Life With Archie 36

LIFE WITHOUT ARCHIE

For the past 35 issues, this magazine-sized series has happily spun its parallel threads in two distinct storylines arising from the successful “Will You Marry Me?” arc of Archie 600-607. In one “Imaginary Tale”, a near-future grown-up Archie Andrews has married Betty Cooper; in the other, his bride is Veronica Lodge.

Yes, but WHICH “You”, ya lying toerag?

Each issue, new chapters of both serials have compared and contrasted how different the lives of Archie and all his supporting cast would have been, depending on his choice of life companion; but with this issue, the first to be published in the smaller comic-book format, and the penultimate in the series, the publishers, in an admittedly successful headline-grabbing tactic, have decided to wrap up the series by having this iteration of Archie sacrifice his life to save a friend.

To bring this about, they’ve amalgamated both continuing serials into a one-size-fits-all finale.

And that, right there, is the story’s biggest failing. Because this chapter, with a ponderous coyness reminiscent of the Superman “Imaginary Tales” of the 1960s, refuses to disclose whether Betty or Veronica is Mrs Andrews, resorting, in panels where she’s present, to having her unnamed voice emerge from off-panel, her face obscured by objects, being pictured only from the waist down, and other cringe-making contrivances.

But that undermines the entire tale, for the appeal of the series, as noted earlier, is in the different paths Archie’s life took, depending on his choice of bride. The carefully-crafted ambiguity of this episode, in which all the ongoing plotlines unique to each thread are ignored, comes across as pallid and makeshift. Plus, neither storyline was just about Archie; it was about Archie and Betty, or Archie and Veronica. By drastically downgrading the girls’ roles (both are present, but in such minimal parts that they might as well be Big Ethel and Midge, for all their centrality to events), the book’s been stripped of half its interest. Everything’s Archie, and I’m sorry, but by himself – he’s not all that interesting.

Oh, yeah, he dies. Did I mention? Oopsie. Spoilers.

Furthermore, from the opening line – “It all started with the touch of her hand” – we are informed that Archie has, all along, been in love with only one of the girls – and that his dalliance with the other was only ever a diversionary tactic or a ploy to engender jealousy in his true love.

This sentiment is repeated several times in Archie’s endless bloody internal monologue till we finally get to the conclusion; “I married the only woman I’ve ever loved”, “There’s one constant, even in my dreams… her”, “I’ve always loved you.” This eviscerates not only the story and the series, but most of Archie’s entire 75-year plus history.

Since 1942 (it will surprise readers of lesser vintage to know that there was a year or so when Veronica wasn’t a presence in the strip!), the fulcrum of the World of Archie has been his complete and sincere inability to decide between two women whom he loves with equal ardour. That romantic triangle – which today wouldn’t even be an issue, thanks to the more general acceptance of polyamory! – has been the heart of most of the thousands of stories of Archie’s Pals & Gals that have been published, and the revelation that his attachment to one of them has been a pose leaves one with the unpleasant conclusion that Archie has been a total lying dick. For the thick end of a century.

Given that – in view of the publicity it’s received – this is the first and probably last issue of LWA that most people will pick up, it’s saddening that it has to be such a mealy-mouthed, non-committal cop-out, unsatisfactory both to the new reader and to those of us who have been following the LWA series since its inception.

It’s no Laugh. It’s woefully deficient in Pep. And it most definitely doesn’t hit the Jackpot.