Mmmmm… Fruity…

Who’s the lamest Avenger?

Why, there’s so many to choose from! D-Man? Silverclaw? Triathlon? Close, but not quite. Squirrel Girl? Bite your tongue, urchin!

No, the lamest Avenger – at least as far as an unfortunate number of schoolchildren in Florida will soon discover – is none other than Captain Citrus!

Who, you ask? I can’t blame you. In a Merry Marvel Marketing Move, the comics’ publishers’ “hot brand” will be used to raise the profile of orange juice, languishing, apparently, since the twin strikes of a disease reducing production and a mass consumer switch away from the traditional breakfast drink.

The “Classic” Captain Citrus…

In 2010, Floridian orange growers created an anthropomorphic mascot, whom we shall now refer to as the “Earth 2” Captain Citrus, to raise the profile of their product. Essentially a giant orange with eyes, lips, and limbs, the ‘Classic’ Captain C. was more menacing than enticing, and didn’t significantly reverse the declining sales.

Time for a reboot – and enlisting the power of the House of Ideas, Captain Citrus underwent a Mighty Marvel Makeover, to become a musclebound hunk who gets his powers from the sun, lives in a Florida orange grove, and uses his sun-and-orange derived abilities to make energy constructs – which, in his first issue, he uses to help the Avengers defeat a fiendish threat.

The Ab-tastic “New” Captain Citrus…

The Captain’s print debut will be in a million-copy edition comic distributed through schools in Florida – look out for them on eBay real soon!

In the meantime, we await the backlash from purists dedicated to the original Captain Citrus, and the inevitable battle between the two Captains, in “Crush Of Two Worlds!”