X-Women 1

Reviewed by 10-Nov-10

Even the people who thought that dedicating a year to ‘The Ladies’ wasn’t sexist, with the implicit subtext that said ‘Ladies’ should bugger off to the kitchen or the bedroom every other year…Even they were smart enough to steer clear of this’n!

FECK! ARSE! GIRLS!

In 2010, Marvel issued a batch of one-offs and mini-series spotlighting the distaff side of the Marvel pantheon – in an uneven, patronising and occasionally offensive manner, but nevertheless their intentions were, we hope, good.

Yet this one-off starring the women of the X-Men, Marvel’s sales juggernaut, was inexplicably not included in the “Women of Marvel” event.

Eh. Maybe it is ‘xplicable, when you look at it. Because even the people who thought that dedicating a year to ‘The Ladies’ wasn’t sexist, with the  implicit subtext that said ‘Ladies’ should bugger off to the kitchen or the bedroom every other year…Even they were smart enough to steer clear of this’n!

Our scribe is Chris Claremont, who at one time, believe it or not kiddies, revolutionized the treatment and portrayal of women at Marvel – no, in a good way. His development of Storm, Rogue, Ms. Marvel, Spider-Woman and others was instrumental in taking those characters from ‘supporting totty’ status and making them into credible protagonists.

He’s come a long way, baby; pity it’s in entirely the wrong direction.

Our illustrator is Milo Manara, notorious European smutmeister and cult artist. He’s won well-deserved acclaim for his inventiveness and  skill in the field of erotica (that’s posh smut). Now, I’ve no objection to smut – I’ve read a lot, enjoyed some, written a little – but this is allegedly a mainstream super-hero comic, so to have Storm, Rogue, Kitty Pryde, Marvel Girl, and Psylocke, all of different ethnicities, body types and ages, suddenly sporting the exact same facial features, physical attributes, and expression of gaping-mouthed imbecility, is both inappropriate for a mainstream super-hero comic and, well, it’s lazy smut.

(An actual inflatable sex doll once portrayed Rogue at a United Kingdom Comics Convention’s costume parade; ‘Bunty Pardoe’ demonstrated more resonance and emotional range than the Rogue in these pages, trust me.)

Yet Manara’s gifts remain unimpaired; many of the backdrops and scenery are stunning. Once you sweep the boobs n’ butts out of the way. Maybe he’s just bored with the same old gynaecological old?

The plot? Oh God, the plot. Let’s see; Rogue inherits a villa on a Greek island, and takes the X-Gals off for a fun-filled holiday. Shortly thereafter, Marvel Girl gets kidnapped. (Note for latecomers; this isn’t the Jean Grey Marvel Girl, who’s still dead at the moment, but Rachel Summers, the putative daughter of Scott and Jean from an as-yet-unrealized future continuity. Don’t look at me that way, I didn’t write it…)

In endeavoring to rescue Rachel, the rest of the gang fall foul of a lady arms dealer (you can tell she’s an arms dealer because she’s completely unable to button her shirt up; maybe someone should tip Homeland Security off about this…) and get zapped with an Acme  ‘lose yer powers’ beam.  (Except that Kitty Porn, sorry, Pryde, gets a ‘psychic link’ with Rachel out of the deal. Gosh, that’s jolly lucky.) Pluckily, the now-human X-Dames set off to track, via Kitty’s ‘Rachel Radar’, their lost chum, while wearing crop-tops, bikinis, boob-tubes and other variations on the practical outfits you’d choose for such an arduous and possibly deadly mission. Kevlar? Hell, no; tough chicks wear chiffon!

But lo and behold, they fall into the hands of a gang of pirates who tie them up and force them to do domestic drudgery – apart from Storm, who, of course, uses the pirate king’s infatuation with her to get them ‘onside’. This motley crew then storms (‘scuse me) the lady arms dealer’s fortress, gets the gals their powers back, frees Rachel and the previously-captured Emma Frost, and after they’re all released from bondage, servitude, torture and imprisonment, what’s the first thing they do? Why, *dance*  – because they’re on holiday!

48 pages, 273 panels (bit of an Emlock Tale-Enders moment there, for those readers of riper vintage…), almost zero credible narrative or characterization; it’s the Nutrasweet of comic books. And that’s not even counting the pages and pages of wet, muddy writhing as the X-Gals get tied, gagged, fall into waterfalls and assume faux-cunnilingual poses as they ‘rescue’ each other…

I’m actually selling this to you, aren’t I? Stop it at once, you mucky urchins!

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7 responses to “X-Women 1”

  1. Mike Teague says:

    But Will, you omitted to mention the most important element: is it canon ???
    (As opposed to should it be stuffed into a cannon – rhetorical !)

  2. Lee Brimmicombe-Wood says:

    Manara’s ‘inventiveness and skill in the field of erotica’? Would that be bestiality and kiddy-fiddling, both to be found in Click?

    Judging from the panels posted online, is it me or is Manara’s girly art really ugly in this title? Your comparison to the shocked expressions of blow-up dolls seems apt.

    • Mike Kingdon says:

      I think it’s you, Lee. You might be letting the obscenity blind you to the talent.

    • Will Morgan says:

      Please review the transcript, and if m’learned colleague can indicate anywhere therein where I expressed admiration of “bestiality and kiddy-fiddling”, I shall be very surprised… I was expressing the baseline perception of Manara’s artistic skills, not the specific content.
      However, Lee, it’s not just you; this is lazy, inferior Manara. As I point out in the review, I think he’s just bored; Who knows, maybe he’s sitting in his studio, reading the script, thinking; “Oh God, I thought I was going to get to draw Wolverine, and it’s just warmed-over quasi-lesbian tosh again…”

  3. Tony Keen says:

    Oh sweet Petunia Jesus Jones Mary and Joseph Jackson what the fuck????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????

  4. Mike Kingdon says:

    Will, your marvy review has already enhanced my enjoyment of this comic which I have not yet read.

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